dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
