How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
