You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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