A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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