There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
