I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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