I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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