FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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