weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
