Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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