i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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