you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
