and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
