Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
