Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
