"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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