They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
