once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drake has all the answers
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
