Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
