This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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