So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I sprained my soul last night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
