hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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