My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
