Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
And then he peed in my hair
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