Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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