I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You can't just leave with hair like that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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