my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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