I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
