; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I did not marry a roomba.
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