I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
