If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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