Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
