Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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