Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
