My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
