College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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