I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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