dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
