I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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