There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
