In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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