I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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