My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
