What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
