Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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