I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
