11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
