do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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