I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
