I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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