i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize