as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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