Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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