my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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