it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
