no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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