My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
