my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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